dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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