Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
