Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
