I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
