All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize