Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
