So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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