You can't special order awesome
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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