Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
