At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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