remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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