Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
tequila makes me forget i have legs
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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