I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
