We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Randomize
