He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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