a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Randomize
