yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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