i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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