do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
