i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Randomize
