I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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