people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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