remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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