What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
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I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
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This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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