He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
