i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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