i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
