Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
