What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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