true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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