I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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