I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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