1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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