dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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