Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody