I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Randomize
