My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
id be glad to
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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