my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
