Michael Bay diarrhea
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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