After last night, I could never be a politician.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize