Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
