I have demons in me.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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