I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize