her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
