think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
