Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
