there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
