threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
