I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I skipped work to stalk him.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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