Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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