Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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