I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
