New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
