And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Randomize
