Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Randomize
