in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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