I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
