Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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