I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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