There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
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Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
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Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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