Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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