I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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