It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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