My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
You have to summon your inner elephant
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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