Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
